“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
You Might Also Like
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged