A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
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I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”