Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
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(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.