Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
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One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
HERE’S MARKY
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.