I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
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When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.