my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
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I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes