“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
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I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.