I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
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Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
good work, detective
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?