Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
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boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
*watches the world burn*
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity