I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
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I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.