me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
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I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
He a real one for that
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
no one likes gloating
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Cannot stop laughing at this
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.