wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
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[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars