I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
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masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me: