To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
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My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Bond. Trauma bond.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.