*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
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Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.