I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
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Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Uh oh…
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.