white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
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[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
my dog when i have a friend over
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
I came this close!!!!
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!