A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
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God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.