I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
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I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Yoga Matt
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.