is it earth
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That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
British websites use biscuits.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome