*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
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It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.