At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
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Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Effort made
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.