My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
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Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Yup
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
happy friday
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers