Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
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Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Owl Sanctuary
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.