*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
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Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.