Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
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“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
The Assassin.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
They also CAN sing✌️