For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
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Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.