“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
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JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
So society鈥檚 *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It鈥檚 the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Okay, I’m still confused…
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
I鈥檝e got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
I feel it
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don鈥檛 have a boyfriend. 鈽癸笍鈽癸笍
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions