1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
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I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.