* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
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Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.