I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
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Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Yes
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”