TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
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A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
This bar smells like my childhood.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.