Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
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People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?