romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
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Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
📽️movie date🎞️
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*