My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
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MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo