Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
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Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.