Duolingo getting serious.
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No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
The internet is full of many things
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad