If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
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[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Knock Knock
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.