Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
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I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Had an epiphany today.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain