First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
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I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.