My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
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He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
I’m giving up for Lent.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement