I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
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One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer