Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
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Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
The Assassin.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
What about a To-Don’t List?
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”