*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
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“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
What do you hear?
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.