girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
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I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene