How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
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[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.