[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
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I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
bad news gang
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
The biggest mystery of our time
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online