i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
You Might Also Like
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
What’s so funny?
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Who chose this font
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*