Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
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In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…