I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
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[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.